Monologue from "CLERKS" by Kevin Smith


My friend Juice and I are the kings of long conversations that jump from genre to genre that to the outside observer seems to lack a coheisive point. But in the end we end up with a consensus about everything happening in the world using metaphors from pop culture, books, music, and politics. A classic example of this is the "Death Star" monologue from Clerks.

"CLERKS" by Kevin Smith:
RANDAL
There was something else going on
in Jedi. I never noticed it until
today.
RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.
DANTE
What's that?
RANDAL
All right, Vader's boss...
DANTE
The Emperor.
RANDAL
Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
DANTE
How do you mean?
RANDAL
Well, he's like the pope for the
dark side of the Force. He's a holy
man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
evil one.
DANTE
I guess.
RANDAL
Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
The Imperial government is under
his control. And the entire galaxy
is under Imperial rule.
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Then wouldn't that logically mean
that it's a theocracy? If the head
of the Empire is a priest of some
sort, then it stands to reason that
the government is therefore one
based on religion.
DANTE
It would stand to reason, yes.
RANDAL
Hence, the Empire was a fascist
theocracy, and the rebel forces
were therefore battling religious
persecution.
DANTE
More or less.
RANDAL
The only problem is that at no
point in the series did I ever hear
Leia or any of the rebels declare a
particular religious belief.
DANTE
I think they were Catholics.

A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Are you open?
DANTE
Yeah. Come in.

He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.

RANDAL
You know what else I noticed in Jedi?


DANTE
There's more?
RANDAL
So they build another Death Star,
right?
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Now the first one they built was
completed and fully operational
before the Rebels destroyed it.
DANTE
Luke blew it up. Give credit where
it's due.
RANDAL
And the second one was still being
built when they blew it up.
DANTE
Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
RANDAL
Something just never sat right with
me the second time they destroyed
it. I could never put my finger on
it-something just wasn't right.
DANTE
And you figured it out?
RANDAL
Well, the thing is, the first Death
Star was manned by the Imperial
army-storm troopers, dignitaries-
the only people onboard were
Imperials.
DANTE
Basically.
RANDAL
So when they blew it up, no prob.
Evil is punished.
DANTE
And the second time around...?
RANDAL
The second time around, it wasn't
even finished yet. They were still
under construction.
DANTE
So?
RANDAL
A construction job of that magnitude
would require a helluva lot more
manpower than the Imperial army had
to offer. I'll bet there were
independent contractors working on
that thing: plumbers, aluminum
siders, roofers.
DANTE
Not just Imperials, is what you're
getting at.
RANDAL
Exactly. In order to get it built
quickly and quietly they'd hire
anybody who could do the job. Do
you think the average storm trooper
knows how to install a toilet main?
All they know is killing and white
uniforms.
DANTE
All right, so even if independent
contractors are working on the
Death Star, why are you uneasy with
its destruction?
RANDAL
All those innocent contractors
hired to do a job were killed-
casualties of a war they had
nothing to do with.
(notices Dante's confusion)
All right, look-you're a roofer,
and some juicy government contract
comes your way; you got the wife
and kids and the two-story in
suburbia-this is a government
contract, which means all sorts of
benefits. All of a sudden these
left-wing militants blast you with
lasers and wipe out everyone within
a three-mile radius.
You didn't ask for that. You have
no personal politics. You're just
trying to scrape out a living.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Excuse me. I don't mean to
interrupt, but what were you
talking about?
RANDAL
The ending of Return of the Jedi.
DANTE
My friend is trying to convince me
that any contractors working on the
uncompleted Death Star were innocent
victims when the space station was
destroyed by the rebels.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
a roofer...
(digs into pocket and
produces business card)
Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
And speaking as a roofer, I can say
that a roofer's personal politics
come heavily into play when choosing
jobs.
RANDAL
Like when?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Three months ago I was offered a
job up in the hills. A beautiful
house with tons of property. It was
a simple reshingling job, but I was
told that if it was finished within
a day, my price would be doubled.
Then I realized whose house it was.
DANTE
Whose house was it?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Dominick Bambino's.
RANDAL
"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
The same. The money was right, but
the risk was too big. I knew who he
was, and based on that, I passed
the job on to a friend of mine.
DANTE
Based on personal politics.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Right. And that week, the Foresci
family put a hit on Babyface's
house. My friend was shot and
killed. He wasn't even finished
shingling.
RANDAL
No way!
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
(paying for coffee)
I'm alive because I knew there were
risks involved taking on that
particular client. My friend wasn't
so lucky.
(pauses to reflect)
You know, any contractor willing to
work on that Death Star knew the
risks. If they were killed, it was
their own fault. A roofer listens
to this...
(taps his heart)
not his wallet.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain
respectfully quiet for a moment.

Comments

Anonymous said…
From Pulp Fiction... (by the way Jake, Tarantino has way more believable dialogue than that hack Kevin Smith, granted, Smith is one fucking funny dude, but his dialogue is totally contrived)

Jules: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
Vincent: It's not. It's the same ballpark.
Jules: Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.
Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: [scoffs] Don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent: Given a lot of 'em?
Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'.
Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?
[Jules gives Vincent a long look, realizing he's been set up]
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You give them a lot?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You know, I'm getting kinda tired. I could use a foot massage myself.
Jules: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' a little pissed here.
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